The Truck Stop of the Stars

It's nearly 3 AM.

I will be leaving for the airport in about one hour to fly back to Michigan. 

Flight leaves at 6 AM.

I should get back around 4 PM.

I will be staying up the whole time...but I expect to sleep on the various flights.

Oddly, I am not really looking forward to going home. But I know I have to.

Return visits will be more frequent. My siblings demand it.

Next time I write will be back in Michigan.

Have a good one, bitches!

 Well, I arrived in PA safe and sound Friday afternoon. Around 5 pm.

The various flights were all easy as could be. I mostly just flipped on my iPod and read. First flight left Saginaw, MI around 9:30 am. I got into Erie, PA at 5.

My (biological) grandparents picked me up from the airport and we got to my "other family's"* house around 7 pm. 

*(I hate saying "other family;" it sounds really distant, but I don't know what else to call them. For those who are confused at this point, a catchup: I was adopted at birth by a couple who moved me from PA to Michigan. I have lived with them my entire 28 years, but I knew I was adopted. About 12 years ago (give or take), I starting writing letters back & forth with my biological mom. We met for the first time in 1998, then again in 1999. This is my third visit with her, but it was a surprise orchestrated by my half-sister, half-brother, step-dad, and grandparents)

My mom was shocked to see me, because she had absolutely NO idea I was coming for the weekend. She was excited and it was great to see that.

Last night, we all had dinner together, and then just hung around their house talking.  It was really neat, because listening to my half-siblings and mom talk to me and each other, I could see pieces of myself in their speech and behavior. It was cool to actually see "where I come from" in that respect.  Late night, my sis Jenna and I were talking and we kept saying to each other "...Oh, you definitiely get that from Mom!" or "...I do that all the time too!" Same thing today with my bro Toby when we went to lunch together.

Today, I was going to watch Toby play in an outdoor  basketball tournament, but rain wrecked that plan, so I ended up going with Mom (Dawn) to get some stuff for Toby's high school graduation open house on Sunday. Then we came back to the house and cleaned their garage.

Once Toby came home, the two of us went out for lunch and talked for a long time about things. He asked me if being here felt strange, and how much I knew about my real dad, and how the whole getting in contact with Mom thing got started. I was happy to tell him; and we talked for quite a while about it. Then we talked about music and other BS. It was cool to really feel connected to both him & Jenna and be their big brother for the first time.

Another amazing thing is how I've only been here less than a day, but I instantly felt like family. It was a stark contrast to Michigan, where things just always seem disjointed and a bit strange. I'm certainly not trying to rip on my Michigan family; just saying this is different. And different is good.

Anyway, I am killing time checking email right now and thought I would update about the nice time I am having. Right now, both Toby & Jenna are at work, so I'm a little bored. Later tonight, some of Toby's friends are in a band, and we are going to the show. It's some type of metal; he played some for me yesterday; it reminds me a lot of the Lansing-area crew from Justin's heyday there. 

Tomorrow is Toby's open house, where I will get to see a whole bunch of other relatives. Aunts, uncles, cousins & second cousins mostly. That should be neat. Beyond that, I don't know what the plans are for Monday and Tuesday. 

Ok, that's it, bitches. Cheers!

PS: I have no clue where my camera software is, so I can take all the pictures I want, but won't be able to upload them til I find it. 

PPS: Maybe a more introspective write-up later, not sure.

Heroes are willing to make the sacrifices that others aren't.

I need to fucking grow up and, um, stop wallowing in self-pity. 

Anyway, I would post more, but I really don't know where that is going...it's a new thought.

I'm off to visit my family in Pennsylvania Friday morning. I'll be back on Wednesday evening.

I hope it clears my head ... and after that, I need a job. 

 Applied for more jobs today; and found a few more to apply for tomorrow. The bitch about job-hunting at this point is the Catch-22 of experience--if you don't have it, they don't hire you. But if they don't hire you, how is it possible to gain experience?

I am trying to take the point of view that every job is an "experience" and if put together properly, it can give you the right knowledge for any job.

Most of the time, that works. But when I have to pay a bill or spend money on food, well, it doesn't cut it.

Anyway, still looking.

In the meantime, I am looking into teaching programs again. Have a meeting at SVSU Wednesday afternoon. I know teaching is kind of a tough racket right now, but most things are anyway. The way I see it is if teaching proves impossible to get into, I do have my MBA to "fall back" on ...although it's not helping me so far (sigh).

We had a softball game tonight. Lost 8-3. No one on the team hit well, including me. I played first base and I really did well there. I enjoy playing there a lot. It's fun. Still, I don't have my heart into playing 100% and I'm pretty much having the worst season (numbers-wise) since I started playing.

I dunno, I guess I realize that softball isn't the most important thing in my life anymore, so I'm playing with less passion.

I seem to have lost that.

I kinda feel like I've lost a lot of things lately. I'm hoping my trip to PA can help me find a few of them again.

 In an effort to get a little more self-disciplined (and feel productive during this unemployment stretch), I have decided to set a few goals.

Every day (weather permitting) I would like to get some type of exercise. Either a softball game, a light walk, or maybe just a few good old push-ups, sit-ups and stretches. 

I want to read every day. I've picked out two books to work on. The first one is Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde; the second is a self-help book. I'm not going to put a certain number of pages per day, but I think one chapter/day would be good.

I want to make sure to keep my apartment clean. In other words, if I make a mess, clean it up right away. I am at my worst in that regard with dishes; they tend to sit for 2-3 days before I get to them.

Lastly, job-hunting. I've been working on a list of my job skills and strengths, and I feel like I need to follow the same path I did to land my last job (at the bank): Research the organization a bit, figure out who is in charge of hiring, apply for any open positions and call the hiring manager/whoever a ton.

That's pretty much it. Right now, I think I will check out some ball games and then read something.

 Been a few days...things are ok.

Ended up not going to Sunday's softball or Monday's, but I think the "break" did me good, both physically and mentally. I really enjoyed our practice on Thursday and am looking forward to next week's game. I think some perspective was just what I needed. Our regular 1st baseman got hurt on Monday, so I will take over at first for (likely) the rest of the season. That's good, because I really enjoy first base. I can contribute defensively without  wearing out my legs (they've never, ever been strong). Hopefully being less tired physically will help me mentally as well; not having work for the 2nd straight summer is stressing me out and driving me a little nuts.

I did resume therapy this week, though. And I realized a pattern: I tend to operate this way: I pile on the "things to do," such as having multiple jobs, school, etc. and then once those things are done (or on break), I suddenly am left with nothing to do and I tend to drive myself (and sometimes, my friends) bonkers. I've lost a couple great relationships (platonic and otherwise) because of this, and I am sure I have created friction in other friendships too.

The good part is that now that I recognize this pattern, I can try to figure out how to deal with it. A known enemy is always better than an unknown. I feel like I have done a fair job over the last couple months in terms of not being too reliant on others to "solve" my problems or whatever, so I feel like that is progress with the problem; keeping my burdens on me, where they belong and not forcing them onto the shoulders of others.

Now, I really need to figure out a job and work on getting back into a teaching program. And, of course, now that I am more willing to accept my problems and burdens as mine and mine alone, I need to work on how to fix them. It's one thing to admit your problems; it is something else to own up and deal with them.

That's the next step, bitches.

PS: Next week, I am flying to Pennsylvania to visit my biological mom and half-siblings. My half-brother is having his high school graduation open-house, so it's pretty cool timing-wise. My half-sister booked the flight last night -- I will be gone Friday through Wednesday. It's a surprise for my mom, so that makes it even better. I am looking forward to seeing her and my sibs again (it's been several years) and just having a few days away from my life as it is will be good. Hopefully, I don't get offered any jobs while I'm gone! (It actually did happen to me last summer just before my trek to Boston).

 Have not done a whole lot this weekend. Mostly because there's nothing to do. 

I have a softball game tonight, but I really don't want to play, so I probably won't go. Lately, my heart hasn't been into playing...and since I am not good enough athletically-speaking to perform well when my heart is not there, I tend to suck.

I'm not terribly motivated to do jack right now -- my heart is just not present and I'm not really up for doing much. Hell, I even left my folks' house early today because I couldn't take listening to my brother bitching about the Tigers, even though they were winning.

Basically, I'm kind of playing out the string right now. I really don't want to move back to the folks', but it's looking like that is going to happen. From there, I'm not really sure what I'm going to do. 

I really want to be happy, but I'm miserable. The worst part is, I know I should change, but I'm too lazy to do it. And that's probably going to kill me sooner or later.

 Last couple days, I've done more online jobs applications and attended a teaching program information meeting at SVSU. I'm at the point where any work is probably good work, although I am admittedly aiming higher than dishwashing and what-not, since I, you know, have my MBA now. Most of what I've checked out is clerical/administrative/staff positions.

Still, it would probably be a good idea to get a few names of some decision-makers at these places and give them a ring. Hell, it worked at the bank. Speaking of banks, I found an opening at another bank here in town that is hiring for a position other than teller; it's part-time and it totally sounds like something I could do and enjoy (it certainly seems like a slower-pace job, at the least). I have some reservations about applying for the position though. They are (in order): 1. My previous experience working at a bank really didn't go so good. Not sure I want to subject myself to that possibility a 2nd time; 2. It's only part-time, so I probably need a 2nd job backing it up; 3. it's at the bank Julie works at, and I wonder if that could be an issue (not in me getting the job or not, but in how I might handle working with her).

Mostly, it's the first two issues that are my hangups. The part-time thing is good and bad--it could be nice to work part-time if I get very serious about entering a teaching program. But, also, part-time probably won't bring in enough money. 

Anyway, there are several other jobs I've checked out, and over the weekend, I'm going to gather writing samples (from the newspaper and school) to put a "packet" together for some places around town (and perhaps beyond).

We had a ballgame Thursday. We lost. I played like shit. I was tired and had NO legs whatsoever; couldn't run at all. I was in a bad mood, so as soon as the game ended, I took off, came home, showered, ate a small dinner and went to bed. What really bugs me is that I was looking forward to playing all afternoon, but I let my physical state affect me mentally, and so I started hating being out there. I was tired, I was hungry, my legs were stiff and to top it off, I got a $20 parking ticket while at SVSU's meeting earlier that day. So, in short, Thursday kind of sucked.

The good news is that I did call about therapy. The coordinator was out of the office today, so I left a message for them. Probably will hear back Monday. 

Also, I am sleeping regularly now. The last three days, I've gone to bed around 10 pm and gotten up between 7:30 and 8. And I'm eating (roughly) 3 small meals plus 1-2 snacks each day. I know, it's only been 3 days, but that's a good start for me there. Plus, I've done well with reading (for funsies) each of the last three nights; I'm working on "Of Mice and Men."

Small steps I guess. I think that's the only way to get where I want to be. I told an old friend yesterday that if you asked me about where I want to be in 3 years, I could write you 1,000 pages on it, but if you asked me about my life and where it is right now, I couldn't even write 1 page. Funny how that works: I know where I want to be, I have no idea how to get there.

Storm's a-coming...I think it's already started raining. So, I'm going to grab a couple books, a pad of paper and my laundry and go visit my folks in a little bit.

I think I may be in the midst of some depression symptoms here.

One big reason I haven't posted in five days is because I'm rocking back and forth between thinking "everything is fine, life is ok, I will be fine" to "life sucks and I want to give up." This rocking hasn't been so severe that I'm worried it could be something really, really bad (like bipolar or anything) but still, the swings are strong enough to convince me that I definitely need some help dealing with it. Later today, I think I am going to step up an appointment with therapy again. I may try to go back to the same therapist I had, but we'll see. 

Saturday, I drove down to Jason's place in Detroit for his & Katie's going-away party. In 2 days, they are moving to Indiana for her to begin her residency. It was fun and nice to see a lot of the acquaintances I've made over the last 3 years of visiting Mr. & Dr. Green (yeah, I get a kick out of knowing a doctor.) Drove back Sunday morning and slept the day away. 

My Sunday night and Monday night softball games were both cancelled due to heavy rain, and I'm not sure about Thursday's game yet. Anyway, I was glad those were cancelled because I just didn't feel like playing Sunday night, and Monday, we were going to play a team that just takes this game WAY too compeitively and makes it no fun. Still, it would've been good to have those social outlets.

Tuesday, I slept. The whole day. I was up from 6 am to 10 am, then slept until 7 pm, watched the Tigers' game, then back to sleep for about 5 more hours. Then I stayed up all night, wallowing in self-pity and really wanting to give up. At some point, though, I started listening to the positive part of things again, and I decided to spend today (Wednesday) applying for jobs online (and going out to look a bit) and writing out what type of jobs I want and why (I have a good idea for a spot with the local minor-league baseball team here in town, it just needs a lot of fleshing out). I am also going to call about some transcripts from school so I can get things together for applying to either CMU or SVSU's acclerated teaching programs.

I still feel I need help. Hell, sometimes, all I really need is someone to talk to, but I know that I need to take accountability for my life. Even though having someone to listen is always nice, it still comes down to me taking action and assuming responsibility for those actions. 

I know I have to get my life in order and it all feels scattered more severely now than any other time in my life, but if I want to accomplish my long-term future, I have to climb this mountain. I need to be more positive, even if things aren't going the way they should.

While in a good mood, I realized that even if I do end up moving back home with the folks for a bit, it's not the end of the world. Granted, it's not really something I want to do, it could be for the best. My finances worry the crap out of me, but at least I am worrying about something real and something I can (sort of) control over, rather than shit that really doesn't matter.

I also realized that thinking my past and future make me very happy, while my present sucks. So, sometimes, it may be best to move forward or backward to keep a positive spin on life. Mostly, though I considered how I never, ever try things because I'm scared of failing, but there was one thing that actually made me unafraid of trying. That was Julie. I don't know why, but it did. Anyway, I'm not going to rant and rave about my feelings for her right now; rather I just know that I need to keep trying, even if I fail sometimes. Because, failure brings learning. I have learned a ton from the last three years, maybe it's time to head back to "square one" and start over on the path I was meant to be on all along. Maybe Julie will be in my future (I hope so), because well, the last time I felt happy and felt like I was heading the right direction was when I want beginning to study teaching and in the midst of a relationship with Julie. And, well, if you used to be happy and you're not anymore, sometimes the only thing to do is figure out how to get back to when you were happy.

I'm sure there is more going on in the old noodle, but I've written a ton. I think I am going to read for a bit (for funsies) and then call to set up a therapy appointment.

 I get a car tomorrow.

My dad is buying himself a new car (well, used) and giving me his 2000 Prism. It's a good car and I like driving it. So, that's good. I have to get plates tomorrow, and it will cost me about $100/month for insurance, but I will not argue with being given a car.

We had a softball game tonight, but I did not play. The field was muddy with a huge puddle between 2nd & 3rd base. I elected not to play because a) I play 100% all the time, and, frankly, I did not feel I could do that if I was worrying about getting hurt/muddy/soaked, b) I am getting older, and while I still play hard, I'm not about to risk any injury.Besides, the team won anyway, and they had plenty of players without me. 

After that, I went out to eat with a couple friends from another team, and talked to my friend Jason. He & the wife are moving to Indiana next week as she begins her medical residency. I am going to visit them Saturday for their packing/moving party. They leave in one week. Wow.

For a while, the gravity of that kind of staggered me a bit. I mean, she's a freakin' doctor. It made me wonder if I am recognizing my full potential. Answer: No. I'm not. But, I am starting to try. 

There is a chance I may be moving back with the folks, but I do not know that. I really don't want to, because I love this apartment, and truth be told, I would feel like I am admitting some kind of defeat if I do. Maybe that's a load of BS, but still...

It's so strange that things are coming so full-circle right now with re-exploring teaching and maybe moving back home. I still don't feel like I'm moving backwards with those things, because I feel like I've learned a lot and moved forward with a lot of things over the past couple years. I am certainly an stronger, more confidant, more faith-reliant individual now. I've learned a ton about who I am and what I can deal with.

So, I dunno. Maybe I've learned everything I need to from this experience (of living alone), so perhaps this change is due. Maybe. That's something to wait and see on.

Now I'm sitting here at 5:40 in the morning, fresh off a 2-hour walk and a shower and a Red Bull. And I'm thinking about how God places things in our life when we need them; and we get shown the reasoning when we are ready for it. And how sometimes, even the smallest things can reveal the biggest truths about who we are.

Hell, I know it sounds very, very, very crazy, but the show "Scrubs" has helped me learn a lot about myself because I'm an awkward, slightly nerdy, introspective, sensitive guy who spends way too much time in his own head, but really cares about people (like J.D.) but I'm also a sardonic, angry, ranting, smartass who really cares about people (like Dr. Cox). In other words, I see myself in those characters (and a few others) and that's why I love the show, but it's also great, because it's helped me understand myself too. 

Anyway, while not playing in the softball game, I thought about the future I want. i thought about the things in my life that have made me honest-to-God, totally, completely, 100-percent happy. This is what I came up with (no order):

Baseball, softball, writing, reading, teaching others, long drives, long walks, drumming, Scrubs, the Simpsons, chocolate pudding, sunrises, sunsets, rain, drinking a beer with a good friend, Foo Fighters music, R.E.M. music, Julie, Nolan, Sunday comics, feeding my fish, watching my fish, crossword puzzles.

I'm sure there are more things, but those were the top ones. Honest to God, those things put more legitimate happiness into my life than anything else. And because of that, I want them all in my future.

Just gotta figure out how to get them there.

The "teaching others" thing really lit me up when I thought about it. I picture myself teaching a class and I just feel good about it. I know it is what I want to do and now I have to get to work on it. Hardcore. I'm ready for it now; because I really understand what it would take and I know I am more than capable of it.

Alright, it's 6 am (again). Time to cut this one off, bitches.

Good morning to you all!

 It is almost 6 am. I spent the last 90 minutes on a long, humid walk and it was fun.

I've pretty much decided that since my sleep schedule is so damn scattered right now (along with everything else in my universe),  I should make the best of it and be productive. 

Around 10 pm, I walked to the store (about 1 mile), bought some envelopes so I could mail my resume out to a local company that is hiring an office assistant. I also bought pudding and a PowerAde for the softball game tonight.

I know what you're thinking: "Joel, you have a MBA, why an office assistant?" Well, that's a good question. Basically, it would pay ok ($10/hour) with full benefits. Plus, it would give me income while I figure out exactly what, when, where, and how I want my future.

I still think teaching is the best endgame option for me here, but I don't have enough money saved up to get by until those programs would start in the fall. Wish I would've known about this joblessness back in April when I got that financial aid from school.

Anyway, that's the 5th job I've applied in the last 10 days. If nothing else, that's a much more proactive pace than last summer when I was out of work. For shizzle.

While I'm not terribly pleased with my present situation, I am trying to keep a positive face on it and using my free time the best I can in terms of reading up on potential careers/applying for stuff/working on my long-term goals/dreams.

Sometimes, though, the present situation just sucks way too much for me to smile about it. When that happens, I try to picture my ideal future. I picture my house, my car, my job, my wife (Julie) and kids. It's always good and it makes me smile. Especially when I picture the simple stuff, like playing catch with one of my kids, or having a relaxing evening in front of a movie with the wife, or sitting on my deck, watching the kids run around in the back yard with the dogs (Calvin, Hobbes and Snoopy) while I sip a Pepsi and read a good book. I could keep going, but honest, those are the things I've been thinking about to keep me going.

Hell, a few minutes ago, I actually thought "Nothing is going my way," but I had a SMILE ON MY FACE as I did because I know there's a better future.

I just gotta figure out how to put all those pieces together.

I'm out. Breakfast: Hostess Apple Pie and milk.

 Lost another ball game tonight, 15-5. Still we tried our best, given missing several key players. I realized while playing that I keep dragging myself out there on that field win or lose because of my passion for playing.

One thing I know about myself is that when I become passionate about something, I can't quit. This is a good thing when I can control those intense feelings and the desire for success and balance them out with patience and hard work. But, sometimes, my passion gets the better of me, and I can become overzealous, impatient, and stressed out. 

Solution? Well, first off, spread it out...take some of my interests that I don't make enough time for and (duh) make more time for them. This will (I hope) do two things: 1. Keep busier (and, by extension, happier) and 2. Make me less worried if 1 thing is going badly, because I will have more things that are going well to turn to.

Second, look for a career path that can use that passion and play off my strengths more. 

Third, keep working on taking pride and joy in the little moments. 

Note: I am going to be up all freakin' night again, but I will be filling out at least 2 job apps and doing some more career research. So, if I am going to be up, I will be productive. More than likely, I will post again later, but I'm going to end this one here and take a walk.

I got the letter of recommendation and sent off the application for the assistant media director position. I think it would be a fun job and I would enjoy it. Plus, with school out of the way, I can devote a lot of time to learn the ins & outs, a luxury I really didn't have at the bank.

There are a couple more jobs I found in the paper today, and I will get stuff together for them tonight and Tuesday. Hopefully, I will get something soon; this lack of work is really driving me up a wall.

I've screwed up my sleeping pattern, which sucks. I've had a different bedtime every night since getting laid off, and I know that I'm too old to really be doing that anymore. Don't get me wrong, when I do get up, I am trying to hard to be productive in some capacity, even if it is just cleaning my apartment. But, still, even I know that if I can get some control over when I do or don't sleep, it's going to be impossible to gain control over the more challenging hurdles in my world.

I am still gathering teaching info and all that jazz; I'll be attending one informational meeting in a couple weeks and I hope to have a pro/con list done in a day or two.

It's odd how a couple months ago, I felt like some serious soul-searching was coming on; and now it's right here. I am trying to listen to my heart and follow my instincts. I do feel a little overwhelmed sometimes because it just seems like nothing in my life is stable right now--everything is scattered. It's like one person trying to give you advice while eight other people are talking to you in the same room. You know you need to hear that one person's advice above everyone's else's, but it's hard to filter out the noise.

Working on it, though. I think God works in His own ways, and maybe this joblessness is His way of telling me to quiet down and really listen, because, well, that's the only thing I have on my plate right now. The distractions are gone so it's down to me and my life and that's it. First step is to assess the situation, then determine my possible paths, pick the best one and take it.

I have no car now.

My folks and I met up with Justin's and gave them the Yellow Nightmare that is the Aveo. It was nice to see them and talk for a few.

On the drive back, we stopped and ate at the Cracker Barrel. The ride home was bumpy and rough (two reasons: highway construction and my dad is not used to driving my mom's car). That made my stomach feel f-n awful. Anyway, I got back to the folks' house and I slept for about three hours.

Now I am at the newspaper for our last day of work for the high school sports season. I will get some freelancing over the summer, but not nearly enough to live on.

The job search is moving on. I worked on some online applications Friday and the LoR for that other job will be done Sunday, so I can send that off no later than Monday. I'm going to spend a lot of Monday looking at classifieds, maybe making some phone calls and surfing. I'm limited at the moment because of the car situation; my Dad said I can use his if I give him some notice. I am already going to attend a meeting about the 1-year teaching program at SVSU in mid-June and that is fine. But I know the longer this whole "no car, no job" situation persists, the more of a hassle it will be.

If worse comes to worse, I can always call my old friends at Dial-A-Ride. Full-circle indeed.

Speaking of full-circle, I am still thinking about that a lot. Thinking about how even though my life seems to be moving back to where it was 3 years ago, with the re-considerations of teaching, the possibility of moving back in with the parents, and not having a job for the second consecutive summer, I have learned and grown so much, that maybe one step back now could give me two or three steps forward if I work on it.

I've been considering my "ideal life" and how ready I am for it. Because I know this about goals: You can't acheive them if you don't imagine them and you won't be able to acheive them if you are not ready. I really, really feel like I have learned a lot of the things (maybe all) of the things I need to acheive my "ideal life" goals. But, I still stumbling and struggling to put those lessons into practice.

Because I'm scared. Because I'm still sometimes worried about failure. Because I am afraid that trying for my goals and failing will hurt me a lot worse than not trying, because at least then I can still hope.

There's a lot of roadblocks up in front of me. But, the good news is that, deep down, I know I can acheive all the things I want to. It's just going to take time to put things together. I feel like I have all the pieces and now I just have to figure out what pieces fit where and start plugging away.

Tonight and Sunday, as an exercise, I am going to write out my "ideal life." Exactly what I want to have for a job, a home, a family, hobbies, everything. As lucid as I can get it.

Then I want to write down the steps I can take to get myself there and maybe create a loose "timeframe" for it all.

Lastly, I also want to create a list of the pros and cons of teacher-dom, to sort of gather and research it. I feel pretty strongly about going for it full-bore this time around, but I still think that approach will help. I may share the list here, so if anyone out there could suggest pros/cons, hit me.

Still thinking a lot about the last time I was really, honestly, openly happy. Trying to get back there.

 Last night's softball game was entertaining to say the least.

We ended up winning 10-9, but I am prouder of how we won.

For whatever reason, sometimes teams in this church league can get a little too competitive and it can make some game situations tense. Last night, we had several situations like that. A couple of plays involved my dad, who was accused of baserunning interference (as a runner) twice, while my brother was caught in a controversial play and so was our 1st baseman. Now, when I say "controversial" I really mean that the opposing team kept making a stink over things because they were confusing circumstance with the rules. I'm not going to detail each play, because that would take forever and bore the crap out of all of you.

Anyway, at one point, one of the opposing team's players started really laying into my dad. And Dad wasn't really in the mood to defend himself; he's always been more passive about those type of things. He just wanted to get on with the game. But I decided enough was enough and I confronted the guy, basically telling him that Dad's never pushed another baseball or broken the rules of the game in over 10 years in this league. Also told the guy that if he has a problem with that, he's got a problem with me.

After a few minutes of arguing, the game resumed, and we ended up winning with their biggest antogonist hit a line drive right to my brother. It was sweet to win, but the fact that their biggest malcontent made the last out made it sweeter.

Anyway, after that game, I stopped at the newspaper to go over some writing samples with my supervisor. I found a media relations director position at Central Michigan University (my alma mater) that I think would be an excellent fit for me, so he is writing a letter of recommendation for me, and I wanted his thoughts on what writing samples to include. I have my resume and cover letter done and just need to format the writing samples as attachments and get his letter. Once I have that, I will zip off my online application and cross my fingers.

Tomorrow morning, I will be without car, as Justin's parents will take his car. My folks told me I can use their cars when I have to, but I don't want that to be a hassle, thankfully, because Dad works out of the home, it will be easier to do that than some other situations. Mom & Dad have also discussed Dad getting himself a new (affordable) car and giving me his current ride. I don't know if they would give it to me outright, or if I would have to pay them something or not. But they know, as well as I do, that getting any type of decent job will be near impossible without reliable consistent transportation. As I said to a buddy last night at our ball game: "If I don't have a car, I can't get a job and if I can't get a job, I can't create a future."

Also, I am re-visiting teaching, but not just at the college level. Yes, I am gathering contact info on it, but I am also re-examining high school education too. Both CMU and SVSU have 1-year teaching programs designed to get your certification ASAP. That program did not appeal to me 3 years ago when I first explored teaching, but I like the idea a lot more now. I feel much more prepared and mature enough to handle those demands.

It's funny, I really feel like things in my life are coming "full-circle." I've felt that way since last month, but when I wrote my post last Sunday about having met Julie 3 years ago that day, it really started to sink in more. I have no idea if she'll be a part of things or not; that all remains to be seen. However, I know right now, I have to discover my future and work on getting my life in order. The 1-year teaching program would go a long way toward that because it gives me a short-term focus and works to my long-term goals as well. Sometimes, I get so caught up in the short-term, I lose sight of long-term goals (and vice versa). Having a task that works on both would be just perfect.

Last night, I thought for a long while about the last time I was really, honestly happy with my life as a whole. It was 3 years ago, when I was first checking out teaching, working at a good stable job that I was good at (Dial A Ride), and I was dating someone that was everything I wanted in a girl. I had my priorities straight and I was headed toward good things. 

But I had lessons to learn and confidence to find. I think the last 2+ years have helped me become a better, stronger person all around, and I think that while the latter half of 2005 represented what I was capable of being and doing and having, I think only recently have I begun to realize what it will take for me to be that person, do those things and sustain those relationships and goals.

I'm still pretty bummed about being jobless. It drives me crazy, but I'm trying to work on my future while I have this free time. Sometimes, it's hard to be constructive, but I'm trying. Setting 1-3 daily goals is my M.O. right now; today there are/were 3 goals for me: 1. Finish everything I can for the CMU job (all done, save for the formatting of samples and the letter of recommendation, both of which I hope to have done Saturday); 2. Apply for 2 other positions at Delta College, a local community college: adjunct business faculty and an office assistant opening (I've got the apps printed off, will fill them out shortly); 3. clean out my car for tomorrow (will do that by 9 pm).

I know the office assistant job is aiming a bit low and it's just part-time, but it's pays really well, and I could do it while I try to land part-time teaching positions or continue to explore teaching programs.

Anyway, I am going to check some baseball what-not online, then work on my apps.

I am pondering my future.

Short-term, I am unsure of it. I am about to lose my car (Justin's folks are going to buy it). 

Long-term, things still seem ok. I know what I want, I'm just trying to figure out how to get there.

I want a future where I feel like I fit in. I want a career that has structure, but allows for some bending of the rules once in a while. I want a job where I can connect with people on a consistent basis and know I made some kind of difference for them. I want a job that allows me to have some control over the pace of the work. I want to be able to answer to myself with my life and my work. I want to help others and help myself too. I want to have a job where I feel good about myself and I don't doubt my abilities. I want to be able to throw myself into my work and let my passion carry me on those days when I'm physically or mentally spent. I want a job where I primarily work alone, but I can get support from co-workers when I need it. I want a future that promotes stability, but it still fun and worthwhile. I want something that provokes my curiousity and provides an outlet for my natural talents and intelligence.

So, while I am searching for a job to just make ends meet and pay the bills, I am back to "square one" in considering a teaching career again. I know I could teach at the collegiate level, and I checking that out, but I am also exploring high school education again. I first checked into this 3 years ago, and well, I kind of got overloaded with work, school, classroom observation, moving out, and the break up with Julie. Bit off way too many things for that. Now, things are different, because a) I know I can handle a heavy workload and not break under the stress and b) I understand how work/school stress can affect a personal life (and vice versa) and c) I know more about who I am and what I can do.

And while I look, I understand there is a strong possiblity if I get into a program, I may end up having to move back home. So, in other words, I would be living with my folks while pursuing teaching. Sound familar? It should, sports fans, because that's exactly where I was 3 years ago today...living at Mom & Dad's, just starting out on my first real relationship and a couple months away from beginning a teaching program at school. Full circle indeed.

While I am not exclusively looking at teaching, everytime over the last 10 days or so that I have asked myself about my future, that field keeps coming to mind. Sometimes, when something is in your heart, it just leaps out without hesitation and you know it's the right way to go. So, while I would LOVE to get a "pay-the-bills" job, I am trying to get comfortable with the idea of heading back to school and living with the folks for a year or so while I learn all about teaching.

I'm not totally accepting of the idea yet, but I am trying hard to get there.

As for relationships and what not? Well, I am in no shape to have one just yet, but we'll get there soon enough. Gotta take care of myself first. And I gotta do things the hard way. I really need to get used to that.

Ok, gotta eat and then off to a ballgame, bitches.

 So, the last few days have been up and down. 

I looked online at some adjunct teaching possibilities and other things. Applied for a position at Dow Chemical. But so far, that's it.

There are a couple jobs I am interested in, but they are "internal postings" right now, which means they won't accept applications from outside the organization until next week. I've made a note on those.

I really, really don't want to settle for a job again this time, but financial realities might force that. I don't know yet. Hopefully not.

Last night, a couple of things happened that lifted my spirits just a bit. The one was out of reflection. I thought about last year when I was jobless and how I kept trying to push my problems on others; wanting them to solve my problems. I was constantly searching for advice, validation, and help left and right. Wanting a friend or mentor, or hell, anybody, to fix my troubles for me. 

I  think that's the big issue here: I am constantly avoiding the real issues in hopes that someone else will tackle them. Constantly settling for something because I'm scared to go for it. Done that with work, done it with relationships, friendships, everything. Occasionally, I've stood up for myself and that's worked out pretty well most of the time. But, more often that not, nope.

I'm tired of burdening others with all my problems. Now, I'm not saying I'm quitting LJ or anything; this can be pretty theraputic in its own way. But there are some things I just need to tackle on my own.

So, tonight I have a softball game, then dinner. Afterwards, I will come home, clean up and then fill out a couple adjunct job applications, gather more info on some other possibilities, then take a walk, watch some TV and go to bed.

 I've spent the last few days rocketing back and forth between depression and well, nothing. 

I am very lonely, very angry, stressed and worried. 

I know I have great potential, but it's wasted right now because I can't catch a break.

Worse yet, I can't seem to find the ambition to create one for myself either.

I am lost and I am confused.

I am in serious trouble right now.

Three years ago today, I met Julie for the first time.

My life has changed a lot since then. I've left two jobs, only to return to one of them; moved into my own apartment; flown to Florida and Boston; seen my favorite band in concert, earned my Masters' degree.

I also went to therapy for about a year, learned about how God works in our lives; tried to be patient (sometimes failing, but never quitting); understood that nothing worth having is easy (it's always really tough); started to figure out my problems on my own, rather than throwing them at my friends in hopes they would handle it for me; gained confidence in myself emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically, sexually and personally.

I've struggled with self-doubt, alternately winning and losing that battle. I've been so depressed that, frankly, suicide seemed like a good idea more than once. I've been so thrilled with life that I thought nothing could be better. I've come to understand myself and my life (and those in it) more. I appreciate little things more, and have come to terms with the fact that I have to be busy to be happy, even if sometimes I struggle with finding ways to keep busy.

Sometimes, I'm only happy when I'm worrying. Or when I'm miserable. Or when I'm angry. But other times, I'm happy when I acheive something; when I recognize the things I want in life will happen if I give them time.

So, yeah, meeting her was a catalyst. It changed my life in a lot of ways. More than I could've ever imagined. 

Sure there are some things I would change if I could go back, but meeting her is not one of them.